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A DRAMATIC E V E .'j 



A FARCE 



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JOHN KEMDRICK BANGS. 



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Copyright, 1.895, by Harper 5: Brothers. 



^J^EDITORS DRAWER ^'^.^l^ 




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"(il.AD TO SEE MK ?" 



A DRAMATIC EVENING. 

BY JOHN KKNDRICK BANGS. 



Characteru: 
Mr. Thaddeus Perkins. <i vtvtun. 
W K. EmvARD Bkadlkt, a frit' f (I ill, disguise . 
Mr. Roekrt Yaudsi.ey. an amiable villain. 
Mr J"hn Baiu.ow. f he amiable villaz}i''s assistatit. 
Mrs. Thaddeus pKitKrNs, amarti/r. 
Mrs. EDWAitii Bmatii.ey, a woman of executive ability. 
Jennie, a housemaid. 

Hie scene is placed in the drawing-ronm of Mr. and 
Mrs. Thaddeus Perkins, of Neiv YorA: The time 
is a Saturday evening in the early spring^ and the 
hour is approaching eight. The curtain rising 
discovers Perkins, V7( evening dress, reading a news- 
paper by the light of a lamp on the table. Jlrs. 
Perkins is seated on the oilier side of the lahJe^ hut- 
(oning her gloves. Her ivrap is on a rhair near 
at hand. The room is gracefully overfnrnislied. 

Mrs. Perkins. Wiiere are the seats, Thaddens? 

Perkifis. Third row ; and, by Jove, Bessie {looking 
at his watch), we must liurrv. It is setting on tow- 
ards eight now. The curtain rises at 8. 15. 

Mrs. Perkins. The carriage hasn't conie yet. It 
isn't more thnn ;i ten minutes' drive to tlic theatre. 

Perkiiis. That's true, but there are so many car- 
riage-folk goinii to see Irving that if we don't .start 
early we'll find ourselves on tlie end of the line, and 
the first act will be half over before we can reach our 
seats. 

3frs. Perkins. I'm so clad weVe got good seats — 
down near tiie front. I despise opera-glasses, and 
seats nnder the galleries are so oppre.'=;sive. 

Perkins. Well, I don't know. For the Lyons 
Mail, I think a seat in the front row of the top gal- 
lery, where you can cheer virtue and hiss villany 
witliout making yourself conspicuous, is the best. 

Mrs. Perkins. You don't mean to say that, you'd 
like to sit up with those odious gallery gods? 



Perkins. For a melodrama, I do. What's the use 
of clapping your gloved hands together at a melo- 
drama? That doesn't express your feelings. I 
always watit to put two fingers in my mouth and 
pierce the atmosphere with a regular gallery-god 
whistle when I see the villain laid low by tiie tow- 
headed idiot in tiie last act — but it wouldn't do in 
the orchestra. Y'"ou might as well expect tiie peo- 
I>le in the boxes to eat peanuts as expect an orclies- 
tra-chair patron to whistle on his fingers. 

Mrs Perkins. I should die of mortification if you 
ever sliould do such a vulgar tiling, Thaddeus. 

Perkins. Then you needn't be afraid, my dear. 
I'm too fond of you to sacrifice you to my love for 
whistling. [The front-door bdl rings.) Ah, there 
is the carriage at last. Pli go and get my coat. 

[Mi'S. Perkins rises., and is abonl to don her wrap 
as Mr. Pei'kins goes towa^'d the door. 
Enter Mr. and Mrs. Bradley. Perkins staggers back- 
ward in surptrise. Mrs. Perliins lets her wrap 

fall to the foor, an expression of dismay on her 

face. 

Mrs. Perki^is (aside). Dear me! I'd forgotten all 
about it. This is the night the club is to meet 
here ! 

Bradley. Ah, Perkins, how d' y' do? Glad to see 
me? G:id ! yon don't look it. 

Perkins, (ilad is a word which scarcely expresses 
my feelings, Bradley. I — I'm simply de-lighted, 
(Aside to Mrs. Perkins, w/to has been gi'eeting Mrs. 
Bradley.) Here's .^i kettle of fish. We must get 
rid of them, or we'll miss the Lyons Mail. 

Mrs. Bradley. Yon two are always so formal. 
The idea of your putting on your dress suit Thad- 
deus ! It 'U be ruined before we are half through 
this evening. 

Bradley. Certainly, Perkins. Why, man, when 



EDITORS DRAWER. 



159 



you've been moving furniture and taking up carpfts 
and ripping out firepha-es for an liour or two, that 
coat of yours will be a rag — a veritable rag that tlie 
ra"nian himself would be dubious about buying. 

Perkins {iisidc). Are tliese folk crazy? Or am I? 
(Aloiul.) Pulling up fireplaces? Moving out fur- 
niture? Am I to be dispossessed? 

Mrs. Bratlliii. Not by your landlord, Ijut iion know 
wliat amateur dramatics are. 

Bradley. I doubt it. He wouldn't liave let us 
have 'em here if he had known. 

Perkins. Amateur — amateur dramatics ? 
Mrs. Perkins. Certainly, Thaddeus. You know we 
offered our parlor for the performance. The audi- 
ence are to sit out in the hall. 

Perkins. Oh — ah! Why, of course! Certainly! 
It had slipped my mind; ami — ah — what else? 

Bradkii. Why, Wf'ie here tu-night to arrange the 
scene. Don't tell us you didn't know it. Bob Yards- 
ley's coming, and Barlow. Yardsley's a great man 
for amateur dramatics ; he bosses things so pleasant- 
ly that you don't know you're being ordered about 
like a slave. I believe he could persuade a man to 
hammer nails into his piano-case if he wanted it 
done, he's so insinuatingly lovely about it all. 

Perkins (nhsenllii). I'll get a hammer. [&;7. 

Mrs. Perkins (aside). I must explain to Thadileus. 
He'll never forgive me. (^Afond.) Thaddeus is so 
forgetful that I don't believe he can find that ham- 
mer, so if you'll excuse me I'll go help him. [Axil. 
BrnfUei'i. Wonder what's up? They ilnn't riiuir- 
rel, ilo they? 

Mrs. Brudhy. I don't believe any one could cpiar- 
rel with Bessie Perkins — not even a man. 

Bradlei/. Well, they'ie queer. Acted as if they 
weren't glad to see us. 

i[rs. Bradfei/. Oh, that's all your imagination. 
(Links ahniil the room.) That table will have to be 
taken out, and all these chairs and cabinets ; and the 
rug will never do. 

Bradley. Why not? I think the rug will look 
first-rate. 

Mrs. Bradley. A rug like that in a conservatory? 

[^■1 rinr/ at the frotit-door hell is heard. 

Bradley. Ah ! maybe that's Yardsley. I hope so. 

If Perkiiis and his wife are out of sorts we want to 

hurry up and get through. 

Mrs. Bradley. Oh, we'll be through by twelve 
o'clock. 

Enter Yardsley and Barlow. 
Yardsley. Ah ! here we are at last. The wreck- 
ers have arrove. Where's Perkins? 

Barlow. Taken to the woods, I fancy. I say, Bob, 
don't you think before we begin we'd better give 
Perkiiis ether? He'll suffer dreadful agony. 
Knter Mrs. Perkins, leipimj her eyes. 
Mrs. Perkins. How do you do, Mr. Barlow? and 
yon, Mr. Yardsley ? So glad to see you. Thaddeus 
"will be down in a minute. He — ah — he forgot about 
the — the meeting here to-night, and he — he put on 
his dress-cuat. 

Yardsley. Bad thing to lift a piano in. Belter 
be witlioiit any coat. But — I say we begin — eh ? If 
you don't mind, Mrs. Perkins. We've got a great 
deal to do, and unfortunately hours are limited in 
length as well as in number. Ah! that fireplace 
must be covered up. Wouldn't do to have a tire- 
place in a conservatory. Wilt all the flowers in ten 
mimites. 

Mrs. Perkins (meekly). Y'ou needn't have the fire 
lit, need you ? 

Barlow. No — but — a fiieplace without fire in it 
eeeraa sort of — of bald, don't you think ? 



3'ai(Wfv. Bald? Splendid word applied to a fire- 
place. So few fireplaces have hair. 

Mrs. Bradley. Oh, it could be covered up without 
any trouble, Bessie. Can't we have those dining- 
room portieres to hang in front of it? 

Yardsley. Just the thing. Dining-room portieres 
always look well, wdiether they're in a conservatory 
or a'street scene, (©ito- Perkins.) Hello, Thad- 
deus! How d' y' ? Got your ovcriills on ? 

Perkins (tryiny to appear serene). Yes. I'm ready 
f(H- anything. Anything I can do? 

Bradley. W'fi — li)iik pleasant. Haven't you a 
smile you don't need that you can give us? This 
isn't a funeral. 

Perkins (assuminff a yrin). IIow'll that do ? 

Barlow. First-rate. We'll have to make you 
act next. That's the most villanous grin I ever 
saw. 

Yardsley. I'll write a tragedy to go with it. But 
I say, Tha'd, we want those dining-room portieres of 
yours. Get 'em down for us, will you ? 

Perkins. Dining-room portieres ! What for? 

J/fS, Perkins. They all thitik the fireplace would 
better be hid, Thaddeus dear. It wouldn't look 
well in a conservatory. 

Perkins. I suppose not. And the dining-room 
portiferes are wanted to cover ttp the fireplace ? 

Yard.4ey. Precisely. You have a matuigerial 
brain, Thaddeus. You can see at once what a din- 
ing-room portiere is good for. If ever I am cast 
awav on a desert island, with nothing but a dining- 
room portiere for solace, I hope you'll be along to 
take charge of it. In your liaiuls its possibilities 
are absolutely unlimited. Get them for us, old 
man; and while you are about it, bring a steplad- 
der. (Exit Tha(ideus, dejectedly.) Now, Barlow, 
you and Bradley help me with this piano. Pianos 
may do well enough in gardens or pirates' caves, 
but for conservatories they're not worth a rap. 

Mrs. Bradley. Wait ;i moment. We nnist take 
the bric-^-brac from the top of it before you touch 




'I'l.I. BE GLAO IF you'll CARRY THE SOFT PEDAL." 



HARPER'S NEW MONTHLY MAGAZINE. 



160 

it. If tliere are two iiiconipiitible tilings in tliis 
world, tliev are men and brie-a-brae. 

Mrs. r'erkins. You are so tlionglilf'nl, thonj^li I 
am sure tliat Mr. Yardslcv would not break any- 
thing willingly. 

Barlow. Nothing but the ten eoniniandnients. 
Yardslev. They aren't bric-a-brac; and I thanh 
vou, Mrs. PerUins, for your expression of confiiience. 
I wouldn't intentionally go into the house of another 
man and toss his Sfevres up in the air, or throw his 
Royal Worcester down stairs, e.\cept under very 
great provocation. (Mrs. Perkins ayid Mrs. Bradley 
have bi/ this lime removed the bric-d-hrac from the 
jnaiio—an upright. ) Now, boys, are you ready ? 
Bradley. Where is it to be moveil to ? 
Yardsleti. AVliere woidd you prefer to have it, 
Mrs. Perkins? 

Mrs. Perkins. Oh, I have no preference in the 
matter. Put it where you please. 

Yardsley. Suppose you carry it up into the attic. 
Barlow. 

Barlow. Certainly. I'll be glad to if you 11 carry 
the soft pedal. I'm always afraid wlien I'm carry- 
ing pianos up stairs of breaking the soft pedal or 
dropping a few octaves. 

Yardiley. I guess we'd better put it over in this 
corner, where tlie audience won't see it. If you are 
so careless that vou can't move a piano without los- 
ing its tone, we'd better not have it moved too far. 
Now, then. 

[Barlow, Yardsley, and Bradley endeavor to push 
the piano over the floor, but it doesn't 'move. 
Enter TevXiWS. with two portieres wrapped about him, 
and hngoing a small slepladder in his arms. 
Bradley. Hurrv up, Perkins. Don't shirk so. 
Can't vou see that we're trying to get this piano 
across "the floor ? Where are you at ? 

Perkins (meekly). I'm trying to make myself at 
home. Do you" e.K]iect nie to hang on to these 
things and move pianos at the same time? 

Barlow. Let him alone, Bradley. He's doing the 
best he l<nows. I always say give a man credit for 
doing what he can, whether he is intelligent or not. 
Of course we don't expect you to hang on to the 
portiferes and the stepladder while you are pushing 
the piano, Thad. That's too mucli to expect of any 
man of your size ; some men might do it, but not 
all. Drop the portieres. 

Perkins. Where'U I put 'em ? 
Yardsley. Put them on the stepladder. 
Perkins (impatiently). And where shall I put the 
stepladder— on the piano? 

3frs. Perkins (eoming to the rescue). I 11 take care 
of these things, Thaddeus dear. 

Bradley. That's right; put everything off on your 
wife. What shirks some men are! 

Yardsley. Now, then, Perkins, lend us your shoul- 
der and— one, two, three— push ! Ah! She starts; 
she' moves; she seems to feel the thrill of life along 
her keel. We must have gained an inch. Once 
more, now. Mv, but this is a heavy piano ! 

Bradley. Mii"st be full of Wagnerian music. Why 
.lon't vou get a piano of lighter quality, Perkins? 
This isn't any kind of an instrument for amateur 
stage-hands to manage. 

Perkins. I'll know better next time. But is it 
where vou want it now ? 

Yardsley. Not a liit of it. We need one more 
push. Get her rolling, and keep her rolling until 
she stands over there in that corner; and be care- 
ful to stop her in time. I should hate to push a 
piano through one of my host's parlor walls just for 
the want of a little care. ( They pwh until the piano 



stands aaainst the wall on the other side of the room, 
keyboard in.) There! That's first-rate. You can 
piit a camp-chair on top of it for the prompter to sit 
on ; there's nothing like having the piompter up 
high, because amateur actors, when they forget their 
lii°es, always look up in the air. Perkins, go sit out 
in the hall' and imagine yourself an enthusiastic au- 
dience — will vou? — and tell us if you can see the 
piano. If yoii can see it, we'll have to put it some- 
where else. 

Perkins. Do vou mean it ? 

Mrs. Bradley. Of course he doesn't, Mr. Perkins. 
It's impossible to see it from the hall. Now, I think 
the rug ought to come up. 

Mrs. Perkins. Dear me I what for ? 
Yardsley. Oh, it wouldn't do at all to have that 
rug in the conservatory, Mrs. Perkins. Besides, I 
should be afraid it would be spoiled. 

Perkins. Spoiled? What would spoil it? Are 
vou going to wear spiked shoes? 

Barlow. Spiked shoes ? Thaddeus, really you 
ought to have your mind examined. This scene is 
supposed to be" just off the ballroom, and it is here 
tliat Gwendoline comes during the lancicrs and en- 
counters Hartley, the villain. Do you suppose that 
even a villain in" an amateur show would go to a ball 
with spiked shoes on? 

Perkins (wearily). But I still fail to see what is to 
spoil the rug. Does the villain set fire to the con- 
servatorv in this play, or does he assassinate the 
virtuous" hero here and spill his gore on the floor ? 

Bradley. What a blood-and-thunder idea of the 
drama vou have! Of course he doesn't. There isn't 
a deatli in the whole play, and it's two hours long. 
One or two people in the audience may die while 
the play is going on, but people who haven't strong 
constitutions shouldn't attend amateur shows. 
Mrs. Perkins. That's true, I fancy. 
Mrs. Bradley. Very. It would be very rude for 
one of your in'vited guests to cast a gloom over your 
evening by dying. 

Yardsley. It is seldom done among people who 
know what is what. But to explain the point you 
want explaineii, Thaddeus: the rug might be spoil- 
ed by a leak in the fountain. 
Mrs. Perkins. The fountain ? 
Perkins. You don't mean to say you're going to 
have a fountain playing here? 

Bradley. Certainly. A conservatory without a 
fountain 'would be like Hamlet with Yoiick's skull 
left out. There's to be a fountain playing here, and 
a band playing in the next room— all in a green light, 
too. It 'li be highly eflective. 

Perkins. But how — how are you going to make 
the fountain go ? Is it to spurt real water ? 

Yardsley. Of course. Did you ever see a fountain 
spurt sawilust or lemonade? Now don't get excited 
anil raise obstacles. The thing is simple enough if 
you know how to do it. Got one of those English 
bath-tubs in the house? 

Perkin.^. No. But, of course, if you want a bath- 
tub, I'll have a regular porcelain one with running 
water, hot and cold, put in — two of 'em, if you wish. 
Yardsley. No; stationary bath-tubs are useful, 
but not ex'actly adapted to a conservatory. 

Barlow. I brought my tub with me. I knew Per- 
kins hadn't one, and so I thought I'd better come 
provided. It's out in the hall. 

Mrs. Bradley (to Mrs. Perkins). He's just splen- 
diii ! never forgets tmything. 

Mrs. Perkins. I should say not. But, Mr. Yards- 
ley, a bath-tub, even an English one, will not look 
very well, will it ? 



EDITOR'S DRAWER. 



161 




IVE ri'T THE Tl'R IIKRE. 



Yanhlei/. Oil, very. You see, we'll put it hi the 
centre of the room. Just move that table out iu 
the hall, Thatkleus. (Enlei- Barlovv with tnh. ) Ah ! 
now I'll show yo!i. (Perkins removes tahli:.) You 
see, we put tlie tub here in the luiiliile of the floor, 
theu we surround it with potted plants. That con- 
ceals the tub, and there's your fountain. 

Ptrkins. But the water — how do yott get that? 

Bradley. ^Ve buy it in bottles, of course, and hire 
a boy to come iu and \w\\y it out every two min- 
utes. How dull you are, Perkins! I'm surprised at 
you. 

Perhnx. I'm not over-bright, I must confess, when 
it comes to building fountains iu parlors, with no 
basis but an English bath-tub to work on. 

YardsU'i/. Did you ever hear of such a thing as a 
length of hose with a nozzle on one end and a Cro- 
ton-water pipe at the other, Thaddeus Perkins? 

J/cs. I'er/L-ins. But where is the Croton-watcr pipe ? 

Mrs. Bradlei/. In the butler's pantry. The hose 
can be carrieil through the diniiig-rooiu, across the 
hall into this room, ami it will be dreadfully effective; 
and so safe, too, in ease the curtain catches fire. 

ilrs. Perkins. Oh, Emma! Yon don't tliiid; — 

Perkins. Cheerful prospect. But say, Yardsley, 
you have arranged for the water supply ; how at)out 
its exit y How does the water get out of the tub ? 

Yardsley. It doesn't, unless you want to bore a 
hole in the floor, and let it flow into the billiard- 
room l)elow. We've just got to hustle that scene 
along, so that the cliina.^ will be i-eached before the 
tub overflows. 

Barlow. Perhaps we'd better test the thing now. 
Maybe ray tub isn't large enough for the scene. It 
would be awkward if the heroine had to seize a 
dipper and bale the fountain out right in the middle 
of an impassicuied rebuke to Hartley. 

Perkins. All right— go ahead. Test it. Test any- 
thing. I'll supply the Croton jiipes. 

YarJsleii. None of you fellows happen to have a 
length of hose with you, do you ? 

Bradley. I left mine in luy other clothes. 

Mrs, Bradley. That's just like you men. You grow 
flippant over very serious matters. For my part, if 
I am to play Gwendoline, I shall not liale out the 
fountain even to save poor dear Bessie's floor. 



Yarckley. Oh, it 'II be all right. Onlv, if you see 
the fountain getting too full, speak faster. 

Barhii'. We nnght announce a race between the 
heroine ami the fountain. It would add to the in- 
terest of the play. 

Perkins. I su[>|iose it wouldn't do to turn the 
water off iu case of danger, 

Barloii; It could be done, but it wouldn't look 
well. AVhere is the entrance from tlie ballroom to 
be y 

Yarchley. It ought to be where the fireplace is. 
That's one reason why 1 think the portieres will 
look well there. 

Mrs. Perkins. But I don't see how that can be. 
Nobody could come in there. There wouldn't be 
room behind for any one to stand, would there '? 

Bradley. I don't know. That fireplace is large, 
and only two people have to come iu that way. The 
rising curtain discloses Gwendoline just having 
come in. If Hartley, tlie villain, and Jack Pendle- 
ton, the manly young navy officer, who represents 
virtue, and dashes in at the right moment to save 
Gwendoline, could sit close and stand the discom- 
fort of it, they might squeeze in there and await 
their cues. 

Mrs. Perkins. Sit in the fireplace? 

Ya7'dsley. Yes. Why not? 

Perkins. Don't you interfere, Bess. Yardsley is 
managing this show, ami if he wants to keep the 
soubrette waiting on the niiintel-piece it's his look- 
out, and not ours. 

Yard.ileii. By -the -way, Thaddeus, Wilkins has 
backed out, and you are to play the villain. 




" IT WOULD BE AWKWAKII.' 



Perkins. I? Never! 

Barlow. Oh, but you must. All you have to do is 
frown and rant and look real bad. 

Perkins. But I can't act. 

Bradley. That doesn't make any difference. We 
ilon't want a villain that the audience will fall iu 
love witli. That would be immoral. The more 
you make them despise you, the better. 



162 



HARPER'S NEW MONTHLY MAGAZINE. 



Perkins. Well— I positively decline to sit in the 
fireplace. I tell you that right now. 

Mrs. Bradley. Don't waste time talking about 
petty details. Let the entrance he there. We cm 
haiii; the curtain on a frame two feet out from tlie 
walCso that there will be plenty of room beliind for 
Hartley and Pendleton to stand. The frame can be 
fastened to the wood-work of the niantel-pieoe. It 
may take a screw or two to hold it, but they'll be 
hi"h up, so nobody will notice the holes in the wood 
after it comes down. The point that bothers nie is 
thi.s wall-paper. People don't put wall-papers on 
their coTiservatories. 

Perkins {sarcastically). I'll have the room repa- 
pered in sheet-glass. Or we might borrow a few 
hot-bed covers and hang them from the picture- 
moulding, so that the place would look like a real 
greenhouse. 

YarMei/. Napoleonic idea. Barlow, jot down 
among the properties ten hot-bed covers, twenty 
picture-hooks, and a coil of wire. You're develop- 
ing, Perkins. 

Mrs. Perkins {ruefully, aside). I wish Thaddens's 
jokes weren't always taken seriously. The idea of 
my drawing-room "walls being hung with hot-ljed 
covers ! Whv, it's awful. 

Yardslei/. Well, now that that's settled, we'll have 
to dispose" of the pictures. Thaddeus, I wish you'd 
take down the pictures on the east wall, so that we 
can put our mind's eye on just how we shall treat 
the background. The mere hanging of hot-bed cov- 
ers there will not do. The audience could see di- 
rectly through the glass, and the wall-paper would 
still destroy the illusion. 

Perkins. Anything. Perliaps if you got a jack- 
plane and planed the walls off it would suffice. 

Bradleti. Don't be sarcastic, my boy. Remember 
we didn't let von into this. You volunteered. 

Perkins. I know it, Bradley. The house is yours. 

Barlow. I said you had paresis when you made 
the offer, Perkins. ' If you want to go to law aliout 
it, I think you could get an injunction against us— 
or rather Mrs. Perkins could— on the ground that you 
were ?(on compos at tlie time. 

Mrs. Perkins. Why, we're most happy to have 
you, I'm sure. 

Perkins. So 'm I. (.-Is;*.) Heaven forgive mc 

that ! , . T 

Yardslei/. By-the-way, Thad, there's one thmg 1 
meant to have' spoken al)Out as soon as I got hero. 
Er — is this I/our house, or do you rent it? 

Perkins. I rent it. What has that to do with it? 
Bradley. A great deal. You don't think we'd 
treat your house as we would a common landlord's, 
do vo'u? You wouldn't yourself. 

Yardsley. That's the jioint. If you own the house 
we want to be careful and consider your feelings. 
If you don't, we don't care what happens. 

Perkins. I don't own the house. (Aside.) Aud 
under the circumstances I'm rather glad I don't. 

Yardsley. Well, I'm glad you don't. My weak 
point is my conscience, and wlien it comes to de- 
stroying a "friend's property, I don't ex.actly like to 
do i't. But if this house belongs to a sordid person, 
who built it just to put money in his own pocket, I 
don't care. IJarlow, you can nail those portiferes up. 
It won't be necessary to build a frame for them. 
Bradlev, you carry tlie chairs and caljinets out. 

[Bradley, assisted liy Perkins, removes^ the re- 
maining furniture, placing the bric-d-brac 
on the floor. 
Barlow. All right. Where's that stepladder? 
Thaddeus, got any nails ? 



Mrs. Perkins. I — I think we'd rather have a 
frame, Mr. Yardsley. We can liave one made, can't 
we, Thaddeus ? 

Perkins. Certainly. We can have anything made. 
(Aside.) I suppose I'li build a theatre for 'em if 
they asked me to, I'm such a confounded — 

Yardsley. Oh no. Of course, if you'd prefer it, 
we'll send a frame. I don't think nails would look 
well in this ceiling, after all. Temporarily, though. 
Barlow, you might hang those portiferes from the 
picture-moulding. 

Barlow. There isn't any. 

Yardsley. Well, then, we'll have to imagine how 
it will look. 

Mrs. Bradley. All the bric-i-brac will have to be 
taken from the room. 

Yardsley. True. Perkins, you know the house 
better than we do. Suppose you take the bric-il- 
brac out and put it where it will be safe. 

Perkins. Certainly. [Begins to remove bric-d-brac. 
Yardsley. Now let's count up. Here's the foun- 
tain. 

Barlow. Yes ; only we liaven't the hose. 
Bradley. Well, make a note of it. 
.Ifrs. Perkins. Emma, can't we help Thaddeus ? 
Mrs. Bradley. Of course. I'll carry out the fend- 
er, and you take the andirons. [T/iey do so. 
Yardsley. The entrance will be here, and here 
will be the curtain. How about foot-lights? 

Bradley. This bracket will do for a connection. 
Any plumber can take this bracket off and fasten a 
rubber pipe to it. 

Yardsley. First-rate. Barlow, make a note of one 
plumljcr, one length of rubber pipe, and foot-lights. 
Bradley. And don't forget to have potted plants 
and palms, and so forth, galore. 

Barlow. No. I'll make a note of that. Will this 
sofa do for a conservatory? 

Yardsley. Jove ! Glad you mentioned that. Won't 
do at all. Thaddeus ! (X'o answer.) I hope we 
haven't driven him to drink. 

Bradley. So do I. I'd latlier he'd lead us to it. 
Yardsley. Thaddeus ! 
Perkins (from without). Well ? 
Yardsley. Do you happen to have any conserva- 
tory benches in the house? 

^[rs. Perkins (appearing in doorway). We have a 
patent laundry table. 
Barlow. Just the thing. 

Ya7-dslcy (calling). Bring up the patent laundry 
table, Thaddeus. (yo Bradley.) What is a patent 
laundry table? 

Bradley. It's what my wife calls the cook's de- 
light. It's an ironing-board on wash-days, a supper 
table at supper-time, and on the cook's reception 
days it can be turned into a settee. 
Yardslei/. It describes well. 

Perkins ( from a distance). Hi ! come down and 
help me with this thing. I can't carry it up alone. 
Yardsley. All right, Perk. Bradley, you and Bar- 
low lielp 'Thaddeus. I'll move these other chairs and 
tables out. It's getting late, and we'll have to hustle, 
[Exit Barlow. Bradley meanwhile has been re- 
moving pictures from the walls, and, as Yards- 
ley .ipeaks, is standing on the stepladder reach- 
ing up for a painting. 
Bradley. What do you take me for— twins? 
Yardsley. Don't get mad, now, Bradley. If there's 
anvthing that can add to the terror of amateur the- 
atricals it's temper. 

Mrs. Bradley ( from withont). Edward, come here 
right away. I want you to move the hat-stand, and 
see how inany people can be seated in this hall. 



EDITOR'S DRAWER. 



163 



Bradley. Oh yes, certainly, 
my dear — of course. Right 
away. My name is Legion — 
or Dennis. 

Yarddey. Tliat's tlie spir- 
it. (A crash is lunrd with- 
out.) Great Scott! Wljat'.s 
tliat ? 

Mrx.Perkinsiieilhout). Oh, 
Thaddeus ! 

Bradley. Tliey've dropped 
the eooli's deliKlit. 

[He mines dmim from the 
stephidder. He mid. 
Yardsley yo ont. 'J'lic 
pictures are piled up 
on the floor, the furni- 
inre is lopsy-lnrvy, and 
the porfit'res lie in a 
heap on the hearth. 
Elder Mrs. Perlcins. 
Mrs. Perkin.1. Dear, dear, 
dear! What a mess! And 
poorTliadiieus! I'm glad iie 
wasn't hurt; but I — I'ru 
afraid I heard him say words 
I never heard liim say liefore 
when Mr. Barlow let the ta- 
ble slip. Wish I h.adn't said 
anytldng about the table. 
Enter Mrs. Bradley. 
Mrs. Bradley. Tliese men 
will drive me crazy. They 
are making more fuss car- 
rying that laundry table up 
.'•tairs than it it was a liouse; 
and the worst of it is our 
tuisbands are losing their 
tempers. 

Mrs. Perkins. Well, I don't 
wonder. It must be awfully 
trying to have a laundry 
table fall ou vou. 

Mrs. Bradley. Oh. Thad- 
deus is angelic, but Edward 
i.-i absolutely ine.xcusable. He 
and it sounded particularly pr 
a screw and a jiictui-e-liook in his mouth. 

Yardsley (outside). It's almost as heavy as the 
piano. I don't see why, either. 

[ The four men appear at the door, stayyt riiiy 
under the weiyht nf the laundry table. 
Perkins (as they set it down). Whew! That's what 
I call work. What makes this thing so heavy';" 

Mrs. Bradley (as she opens a drawer and takes out 
a half-dozen piatcnt flat-irons and a handle). Tiiis 
has something to do with it. Why didn't you 
take out the drawer tirst'/ 

Yard.iley. It wasn't my fault. They'd started 
with it Itefore I took hold. J didn't know it had a 
drawer, though I did wonder w iiat it was that rattled 
around inside of it. 

Bradley. It wasn't for me to suggest taking the 
drawer out. Thaddeus ought to have thought of 
that. 

Perkins (aiif/rily). Well, of all — 
Mrs. Perkins. Never mind. It's here, and it's all 
right. 

Yardsley. That's so. We mustn't quarrel. If 
we get started, we'll never stop. Now, Perkins, 
roll up that rug, and we'll get things placed, and 
then we'll be througli. 

Barlow. Come on ; I'll help. Bradley, get those 




'this has SOSIKTHINCi TO IK) WITH IT." 



swore a minute ago, 
:)fane because he liad 



picuires off the rug. Don't be so careless of Mrs. 
IVrkins's property. 

Bradley. Careless? See here now. Barlow — 

Mrs. Bradley. Now, Edward — no temper. Take 
the pictures out. 

Bradley. Ami wlieie shall I take the pictures out 
to? 

Yardsley. Put 'em on the dmiug-room table. 

Perkins (aside). Tiirow "em out the window, for 
all I care. 

Bradley. Eh? 

Perkins. Nothing. I — er — I only said to put 'cm 
— el' — to put 'em wherever you pleased. 

Bradley. But / can't say where they're to go, 
Thaddeus. This i.sn't iny house. 

Perkins (aside). No — worse luck — it's mine. 

^h•s. Perkins. Oh — put them in the dining-room ; 
thev'll be safe there. 

Bradley. I will. 

[He heijins carrying tlie pictures out. Perkins, 
Barlow, and Yardsley roll up the my. 
Yardsley. There! You fellows might as well 
carry that out too; and then we'll be ready for the 
scene. 

Barlow. Come along, Thaddeus. You're earning 
your pay to-night. 

Perkins (desperately). May I take my euat oiT? 
I'm boiled now. 



164 



HARPER'S NEW MONTHLY MAGAZINE. 



Ifrs. Bradley. Certainly, I wonder vou diJn't 
think of it before. 

Perkins. Think ? I never think. 
Yarihley. Well, go aliead in your thoiiglitless 
way and get the rug out. You are delaying us. 

Perkins. All right. Come on. Barlow, aie you 
ready ? 

Barlow. I am. [ Tlieij drac/ /he my out. 

Yardsley. At last. {liejiluces the tub.) There's 
the fountain. Now where shall we put the cook's 
delight ■? 

3frs. Perkitis. Over here, I should say. 

Mrs. Bradley, /think it would be better here. 

Bradley (laho has retnrned). Put it half-way be- 
tween 'em, Yardsley. I say give in always to the 
ladies ; and when they don't agree, compromise. 
It's a mighty poor woman that isn't half-right oc- 
casionally. 

Mrs. Bradley. Edward I 

"Varddey [adopting the sayyesti"u). There ! How's 
that ? 

Perkins {relurniny). Perfect. I never saw such 
an original conservatory in uiy life. 

Mrs. Perkins. I suppose it's all right. What do 
you think, Emma ? 

Mrs. Bradley. Why, it's simply fine. Of course 
it requires a little imagination to see it as it will be 
o!i tlie night of the performance; but in general I 
don't see how it could be better. 

Barlow. No — nor I. It's great as it is, but when 
we get the hot-bed covers hung, aud the fountain 
playing, and plants arranged gracefully all around, 
it will be ideal. I say, we ought to give Yardsley a 
vote of thanks. 

Perkins. That's so, We're very much indebted 
to Yardsley. 

Yardsley. Never mind that. I enjoy the work 
■\'ery nnich. 

Perkins. So glad. (Aside.) I wonder when we 
get a vote of thanks? 

Bradley {looking at his watch). By Jove, Emma, 
it's after eleven ! 

Mrs. Bradley. After eleven? Dear me! I had no 
idea it was as late as that. How time flies when 
you are enjoying yourself! Really, Edward, you 
ought not to have overlooked the time. You know — 

Bradley. I supposed you knew we couldn't pull a 
house down in five minutes. 

Perkins. What's become of the clock? 

A[rs. Perkiits. I don't know. Who took the 
clock out ? 



Barlow. I did. It's under the dining-room table. 
Mrs. Bradley. Well, we mustn't keep Bessie up 
another moment. Good-night, my dear. We have 
had a delightful time. 

Mrs, Perkins. Good-night. I am sure we have 
enjoyed it. 

Perkins (aside). Oh yes, indeed ; we haven't had 
so much fun since the children had the mumps, 

Yardsley. Well, so long, Perkins. Thanks for 
your help. 

Perkins. By-ljy, 

Barlow. Good-night. 

Yardsley. Don't bother about fixing up to-night, 
Perkins, I'll be around to-morrow evening and 
help put things in their usual order, 

[ They all go out. The good-nights are repeated, 
and finally the front door is closed, 
lie-enter Perkins, vho falls dejectedly mi the settee, 

followed iiy Mrs, Perkins, who gives a rueful glance 

at the room. 

Perkins. I'm glad Yardsley's coming to fix us up 
again, I itever could do it, 

Mrs. Perkins. Then I must. I never can ask the 
girls to do it, and I can't have my drawing-room 
left this way over Smiday, 

Perkins (wearily). Oh, well, shall we do it now? 

Mrs. Perkins. No, you poor dear man; we'll stay 
home from church to-morrow moiiiing and do it. It 
won't be any harder work than reading the Sunday 
newspapers. What have you there? 

Perkins (looking at two tickets he has abstracted 
from his vest pocket). Tickets for Irving — this even- 
ing — Lyons Mail — third row from the stage. I was 
just thinking — 

Mrs. Perkins. Don't tell me what you were think- 
ing, my dear. It can't be expressible in polite lan- 
guage. 

Perkins. You are wrong there, my dear. I wasn't 
thinking cuss-words at all. I was only reflecting 
that we didn't niiss much anyhow, under the circum- 
stances. 

J//-5. Perkins. Missmncli? Why, Thaddcus, what 
<lo you mean ? 

Perkins. Nothing — only that for action continu- 
ous and situations overpowering the Lyons Mail 
isn't a marker to an evening of preparation for 
Amateur Dramatics. 

Enter Jennie. 

Jennie. Excuse me, mini, but the coachman says 
shall he wait any longer? He's been there three 
hours now. [certain.] 





'he's been there three HOt'KS." 



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